My Odd Thoughts Before Month's End

Well, hello there, everybody ...

Erm ... man, I don't where exactly to start. I suppose I could mention that, with this month closing this week ... it's just not the most pleasant thought in my mind. I mean, I wouldn't think it's so bad, usually. Just something about this month ending ... is getting on my unpleasant-feeling side.

Let's see what's coming up ... two months left of school, which then means exams will come up some time around ... or closer to now ... Friday, there we go. So much just seems to want to occur on that day ... the worse part—which is odd because I usually like a new month—my school's Semi-Formal ... Other than that, there's also the deadline for college offers to be accepted, and I'm still not sure whether I'm wanting to get into the TV Broadcasting or the Radio Broadcasting program, both at Fanshawe in London.

I think for the sake of what I feel like right now, however, I'm going to expand on the subject of this year's Semi-Formal dance:

Honestly, I've never had a good experience with Semi-Formals. I've also looked at its kind of a dance as one you'd prefer to bring a date to. These previous years, from when I was in Grade 12 (non-victory-lap year) to Grade 10, I was none but a wallflower. Well, not even literally so ... I'd just stand around, walk around, go get snacks in the cafeteria (this is all at the school, by the way, for those who don't go to JMSS or simply don't know), and sometimes even have my arms nearly pulled off by people who must have some attraction to those who wallflower around (and I don't mean sexual, I mean it in the way that people seem to have fun and frequent this), but I'm usually not literally with my back against the wall. Only in Grade 10 and 11 did I actually ever participate in any of the group dancing ... Grade 12 and senior prom were both total wallflowering. Referring back to the 'date' part, I'd especially go in hopes of seeing some girl, I had feelings for at the time, there. Then, well, I never saw them there.

This year, I got my hopes up again ... and going back to my previous blog from Friday, I'd made about my fourth or fifth attempt at asking the girl out ... and whether she noticed my reaction after politely walking away or not, I still regret not having listened to her words as well I should've. I have not begun to stop thinking about that, unless of course I'm on a task that requires heavy concentration, but even then it tends to peek out. When I try to figure out the difference between the two things that I thought I heard, one brings out the pessimistic and, in a way, fearful side of me, as for the other, I fee like I still have a chance. Regardless of what's true, however, if there is one thing I've been really wanting to do these past three days, it's to apologize to her. Again, I don't know if she did notice my reaction ... but I still feel dumb and guilty for it. Whether or not I did hear what I thought I heard or not, my reaction was in the wrong and I know I could've dealt with whatever in a better way. But I don't know if I need apologize for it, since she may not have noticed, but hopefully I can have the guts I need to apologize to her for it tomorrow ... because, again, I just don't feel right about it. Of course, I hadn't felt right a great lot of today ... but I feel like it is the right thing to do.

Going a bit off-topic from the rest of this, I've also learnt something new tonight: watching one of your favourite shows, or even just a great show ... it can really ease your mind. The true meaning of escapism. The reason I go off-topic here is because I decided and I need to watch one of my shows—tonight it was between iZombie and Daredevil, but since I'm further behind ... in a way (iZombie hasn't ended yet, and Daredevil went down Netflix-style ... because it's exclusive to Netflix of course)—to help me ease my mind away from just all these confusing, negative, and other just unpleasant thoughts swarming around in my head. I'll simplify that: I just have been in the greatest mood nor mind this afternoon, and watching an episode of iZombie, evidently, has helped that out.

Now, back on-topic ... despite Friday's events, I do still plan on attending this Friday's Semi-Formal dance. Just hopefully, this one can be different ... and that reminds me ... This year, I was, again, hoping for a change, compared to my previous crappy experiences. I've actually just realized that I'd meant to mention this two paragraphs earlier, but I also felt the need to mention how good it felt to 'escape' for a little bit—if you're catching my drift! Anyway, I had been hoping I would finally be able to have a date to the Semi-Formal, but like so, it's not happening. By now, yes, it's ... not what I'd expected ... not so much what I'd hoped ... but if I think if I just keep my head up to what I'd hoped she'd said (yes, that's a lot of endings in d, in a row), I might still be able to at least ... well, considering it's a dance, hopefully one can catch what I'm drifting there ...

Anyway, I guess the moral of this story ... okay, it's not really a moral. Lemme go with summary then, or something like that ... is: I feel quite a bit better now thanks to our creative entertainment out there, and I'm finally seeing more on the optimistic side right now, however, I'm not sure how long that'll last. I'll just have to wait to see tomorrow. Maybe even see what's down on Friday.

Once again, I thank you all for reading me out,
~ JBJblaze
P.S. I'm also going to see about checking into my school's guidance services for help determining which program at Fanshawe it is I'd likely fancy more.
P.S.S. There were some other issues bothering me today, to do with my had antisocial tendencies and feeling of insecurity ... but by now, I'm just gonna wait to see how tomorrow goes to decide whether I feel up to describing that jazz. I'm liking this wanting-to-remain-positive feeling!

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