I Procrascrewed Up Again ...

Well, hello once more, everybody ...

If you're not up to date, yesterday's blog was truly just an April Fools' Day joke ... although, the procrastination parts of it were true. Closer to the end of it, I'd also mentioned asking 'that girl' out ...

See that funky word I made up for this blog's title? Well, that unfortunately and kind of annoyingly describes what happened today quite well.

This Friday through to Monday is my school's four-day weekend off for Easter (tomorrow being Good Friday and Monday being Easter Monday). Now, when I thinking once about what's going on this weekend ... I began to wonder if maybe this could be an opportunity to ask her out to a movie or coffee or some sort of thing over the Easter weekend.

After our second-period class was dismissed for lunch, I had my things ready so that when I could leave the room without having to catch up to her (by any more than one metre) ... still I took too long. Even eventually approaching an intersecting hallway (it intersected with the hallway with the staircase at one end), I could have done it. I could have asked her. I was in close enough distance. Still, I chickened out. Of course, I recognized that there's still the cafeteria that she's usually with her friends in. Today being Thursday, our school's charitable club was going on but neither manga and games club were running. I headed to the cafe, noticed a couple of her friends were leaving already (when I got to the door), bought my lunch, and in the certain vicinity of the cafe, only my friends were around. I was contemplating, at this point, returning to to charitable club's meeting, but wasn't sure. Annoying to my thoughts, I came up with that I was busy this lunch break ... justifiable euphemism for 'I'm hoping to meet someone in the cafe'. Skipping to the last period of the day, I was again set and ready to leave my tech class when the bell rang. I did just that, the leaving the class at the time part. I headed my through the hallway ... and eventually, I did see her again. This time I knew I had to do it. I knew I had to try to ask her out. I didn't. Now, please do myself and my friends a favour and not attempt to twist this into something that would eventually be blown out of proportion, but for some reason, I'd gotten it into my mind that a friend of mine she was talking with ... as if there was something more there. How could I be more stupid? My friend had already asked out a girl to prom earlier in this school season, and I know him to be the good person he is ... so where the heck did I get this stupid idea that this would be anything different than a friendly conversation?? Whatever went on my mind still bothers the crap out of me. Then, their directions separated and gosh ... if I had just picked up some speed, I could have asked her ... but again ... I didn't.

Lately, I, again, have had so many troubles with not only procrastinating, but also trying to stop procrastinating, and get in the habit of thinking and planning further. This self-annoyance, disappointment, etc. I'm putting up with as of current is a huge result of that. Well, part-procrastination, and part-'I know I like her a lot, but why won't I just have the guts to ask her out?'.

I have been to figure ... I believe I have lost some things over some time: some of my self-confidence, enough of my lack of antisocial quality—including my lack of ability to converse with girls (and no, this is not out of sexist intent ... no need to stir that pot of retardation), my ability to plan things more, and probably a few other things which are not off the top of my head. Actually, there's one thing I would like to mention, and must if I am to be honest here ... I used to be a generally happy person, or at least, until I find solutions to this procrastination crap, I feel like I am become a more so generally unhappy person ... or as I prefer, more pessimistic.

I also, admittedly, feel guilty for that I have still felt very negative this week. On Sunday, I'd gone with my grandmother to this communal penance at our church, where one of the things I confessed to what my pessimism. I was good for the rest of that day and most of the next day ... but ever since then, I've gone back to my ways of constantly seeing the negative side of things. Of course, if you know me well enough, I put myself out there as a positive and outgoing person. Unfortunately, sometimes—not all the time—I am trying my best to hide how I am really feeling ... or what I am really thinking hard about inside my head ... which often is about that girl. Honestly, I feel like I've hid my unhappy side and thoughts very well, as I am hardly questioned at all about it. It actually makes me proud. Grant you, I'm not mentally ill or suicidal or anything of the needs-treatment sort. I am, however, in my opinion, very troubled and confused in my mind.

Now, if there were any possible things that might improve my day, they'd be:

  • The two podcasts I'm watching tonight: Vic's Basement at 5 PM (five minutes from now) and The Shaft at 10 PM;
  • Supper with my family;
  • Getting my homework done;
  • Being granted some way to travel back into the past so I can revise my actions (yes, I know it's kind of typical when negative crap happens);
  • Tomorrow being a school day and/or another week till Good Friday; and/or
  • Some way to contact her as to ask her out, but I highly doubt that would work in any way, shape, or form.
I really hope I don't sound selfish or anything of the like over my list there, but like I've said, I intend to be honest here. Not to say, I'm not honest within my other media ... although I definitely wouldn't be making any reference to that I have feelings for someone where I'd have to say aloud.

Oh, by the way, I've procrastinated further, trying to write this blog ...

I hope you all have a fine weekend and wish you all a Happy Easter ... as I hope my weekend does improve! Not sure now about the BlazieLog on Friday though ... I've got quite a bit of homework to do ...

Anyway ...

Thanks so much for reading me out again, and hopefully, things do improve and go well!
~ JBJblaze
P.S. Actually, my grandmother and I are going to a Holy Thursday mass tonight, so that should be good!

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