2nd Thoughts On A Crappy Night

Good evening, everybody ... or at least for your sake!

As I've previously mentioned, tonight was the night of my school (JMSS)'s Semi-Formal dance. Most get excited as it's a fine time full of loud music, dancing, and snacks, and to spend with your friends and/or date. I was also excited as I was hoping to the dance with the girl I have feelings for as my date.

To my luck (yes, repetition), my sort-of-asking-her-out was, as far as I am concerned, nothing but a flunk. How so a flunk? I still feel like I didn't hear her right when either she said she was going with her friends or she already had a date—I'm still not sure which and feel rather dumb for it ... especially when I walked away to the other side of the hallway and eventually swore 'D--n it!', but, again, hopefully not loud enough that she'd hear me (as anyone knows, I'm not one to swear). Since then, till Wednesday, I could not stop thinking about it and felt the need to apologize—only thing is, I don't know if she'd even heard me nor would I be into asking about one's personal business, unless I'm somehow part of it. Yesterday, I finally cleared my mind and starting thinking positively, bought my ticket to the Semi-Formal, and continued to be content. That useless joy finally ended as soon as I saw what may prove that I had heard what I feared that I may have heard when I asked her.

Tonight, the joy is none but garbage to me. Again, I still don't know what her actual answer was along the lines of ... but ... Tonight's dance, in my mind, shall go down in history as the worst one I've ever experienced. The difference between this time and previous goings ... I actually (sort-of) asked out the girl I had feelings for to go with as a date ... and obviously, the fricker (the idea) totally flunked. I was thinking, maybe I'd cut the masochism crap of doing nothing at the dances but stand, walk around, get into some of the snacks ... but I guess the Fergie gym's dance room ecosystem was too much for that idea. The moment I stepped in there, I felt like doing absolutely nothing. Despite not getting to date her to the dance, I'd even contemplated, maybe I'd just ask her to dance ... Well ... not when she's obviously got a date ... and considering I do have feelings for ... obviously, it's just not right, at least in my dictionary. I suppose I could be a bit proud of myself that I lasted the whole time, since I really was tempted to just call it a night and leave. Genuinely a hell-like and/or the worst experience I've ever had.

Then came the almighty finale to the night's hell, my ride home. I'd say the ride home was actually the best part ... just kind of wish I didn't describe the dance as 'crappy'. I should have known being so honest gets people, even your parents to start asking questions. No fault on my dad's part though ... and I did eventually change the subject! Here's the reason I don't like talking about this stuff to my friends and/or family though ... it's not because of fear of judgment. At least, that's hardly the case anymore. It's because once I tell, I have the gut feeling that person's going to try and help. Yes, sometimes I do feel inadequate myself, trying to solve my own problems, but that's exactly what I'd prefer to do. I'm the one who got myself into the mess, therefore I'd really prefer to be the only to get myself back out of it. I've not been doing the greatest with that, considering my difficulties with a couple classes, all-round procrastination, and my learned very antisocial tendencies and uneasiness when being near, looking at, or even conversing with the girl whom I feelings for. Considering that if I just pushed myself to it all, I could fix what I've broken about myself.

So ... who's to blame for tonight's load of crap? Just myself. Why? Not only because I refuse to blame others for it ... I darn well know I screwed it up for myself.

I suppose one, if not, the only bright side to this is now I'll not be attending anymore of these dances, nor feeling like I should because bragging rights ('I've been going to the school's Semis since I was in Grade 10!'), or maybe it'll be different this time if I do something right with it? Friends and teachers being content to see me attend these dances ... other than that, I guess I really am a masochist: give myself the worst experience I possibly can and live with the not-really-a-pleasure of it.

In any case, tomorrow I do plan on editing BLAZONNATION #20 and releasing it, as well as hopefully convincing my parents to drive me to Toronto for the YouTube FanFest, which might, if I'm lucky, be a lot better than tonight's Semi-Formal!

Anyways, I'm sorry this blog is a bit of a letdown ... but, hey, like my dad said tonight, it's better to let it out! So, in all ado ...

Thank you all so much for reading me out again,
~ JBJblaze


Popular Posts