Valentine's Day, The 13th

Well, hello there, everybody.

I might make another blog later tonight if I do get to BlazieLog #51, which I hope I do (do?), but I felt the need to write this one for now ...

I will warn you, if you are into my gleeful blogs or sorts ... this will likely not be your type. If you must wonder, this is actually rather related somewhat to what tomorrow somewhat annoyingly is. If you do not like people bringing religious stuff into these situations, then I do not recommend this very blog (by 'blog', I mean a fancier way of saying 'blog post') for your reading time. If you are not into what else may come in this blog, judging by what I've said above, you might want to turn away.

Still there? Well, alright then.

I would like to consider myself a generally happy person, but often, I do not feel like that is truthful of me. I am not saying I can't be happy—I'm actually happy quite often. There are times, however, when I am not in the greatest mood, and in often cases, such as this one, it is truly my own doing, or lack of. Even as I write this, there is still a feeling of disappointment within me, even though there are a few things here and there that perk me up. Again, I am only disappointed—not anything severe or the like.

I must be honest with you, and hopefully you will understand why. I may have hidden at least quite a bit more about me than you may think, or you may have had your suspicions already. If you're one of the students at my school, and noticed my lapping around, and maybe appearing to be a tad mindless while doing so, well, please allow me to explain. I brag a heck of a lot about dating my computer—of which way, it's a modded HP Pavilion p6-2125 Desktop. When one brings up relationshipinal stuff (yes, a word I used back in elementary school to make fun of whole concept of relationships), I might make a joke about as to relieve any pressure. The thing is, I have had feelings for girls in my life ... the problem is that I have been inept at telling them the truth of the matter. Considering my ineptitude at either telling a girl I really like the truth about my feelings for her or just asking her out, I tend and prefer to hide such an idea behind how I am acting outside.

Throughout the week, our school was selling orders of their semi-annual candy grams—Christmas and Valentine's Day, and I had finally decided that this would be my point in time of asking her out. I had decided either Wednesday or Thursday I would order a candy gram for her, and one of these days I would also ask her out for something on Friday or the weekend.

When it came to Wednesday, I had my first try at the plan: catch up with her as we left the classroom and ask her out ... preferably whence the density of other students decreased ... or, if that failed, go order the candy gram ... well, also make a visit to the MAG club while I was at it.

The next day, I made my second attempt, and man, could I have done it, but in my mind, I chickened out. Then we came up to next hallway, and she and friends took a different direction, so I decided to not seem creepy and not follow, but go the other way. Actually, during the middle of our class's duration, the PA had called my name down to the Transport Tech room, which turned out to be in regards to helping out with the lunch break's Tech Open House, and they wanted a favour from me of wearing their big sign and balloons just at the intersection leading to the Tech wing. At lunch, I ended up just making my way to the Tech wing—after dropping off my stuff from class—only to see some other student taking on the task, except for he was lapping around the school. For a few laps, I monitored the crowd at the front foyer and continued checking around the Tech classrooms and Co-op office to find the teacher who had appointed me to help—I guess I am good figurehead for the school or something, which feels weird ... and he said I was not [synonym for 'too'] shy because of past school performances ... and yes, I am not shy, just a little nervous and somewhat socially inept. In between all this, I also made my way to the classroom the school's sort of charitable club resides in, to pick up on what I had missed after my many laps. Finally, I decided to call quits on my search and just proceed to my third-period class.

Then today came. I had it dead set in my mind that I would do it. I would ask her out. Fortunate to my mind, I had even thought of maybe getting her something from the bake sale the school had put on—thanks to overhearing talk about it behind me. Finally, the bell went and we made our way out of the room. When I had made my way to the door of the staircase, I held the door open for everyone else to leave. I mean, it was a nice thing for me to do, but after that, I really had to catch up. Any possible opportunity finally came back to me ... until I decided to wait for another and hopefully better opportunity. After dropping off my stuff at my locker, I proceeded to walking many, many laps around the school, in hopes that I may finally have the luck of seeing her again, and get to ask her out like I had planned. Well, a few times I did see her and her friends ... but, I dunno, I still just could not bring myself to it. Also, at some point in time, I did eventually purchase one of the items from the bake sale for a snack ... Eventually, I finally made up my mind as to go into the cafeteria ... and there, I finally found her. I could finally pursue my plan of asking her out! I went to buy my lunch and ... only to find out ... I missed her again. I returned to the bake sale spot to get something for her—having that epiphany that I could do it this way, instead of doing the whole candy grams gig—and that failed.

Just reflecting on all this now ... I still feel disappointed ... annoyed ... failed ...

This week, I knew I could have made a big change in my life and I still did not take any of the opportunities to do so. I asked for God's help, and in the end, I ignored the help for a better time to use the help, and not even using it the second or third time around. I could have saved myself from another annoying Valentine's Day of only having my computer to date, but I screwed up.

To conclude this, I request that you please not judge me, or at least not let what ever judgement you compose of me discourage you from knowing the person I truly am. Of course, not to say this is all bogus, and it is not. Also, what ever your suspicions be of whom those are of whom I did not directly mention, or at least not name the names of, please do me a favour and respect everyone's privacy. I did not write this blog for anyone to criticize, judge, or suspect involvement of others ... but only to express how I have felt about today.

Finally finishing this very blog, I figure that I will have to instead try for a more positive mood this Monday, on Family Day, for BlazieLog #51, and hope to get to Dead Frontier tomorrow—I had announced on Twitter, last night, that I would begin DF tonight, but due to these personal issues you may now have an idea of ... I just have not felt in the best mood. Heaven knows I will feel any better tomorrow. Hopefully, I might, though.

I thank all who have taken the time to read my blog here and again, request that you respect the privacy of those whom you suspect to be involved. Happy Friday the 13th, and I hope you have had better luck than I have today.

Thanks again, for reading me out,
~ JBJblaze, or the person you may know from school ...

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