My Confession: Friday JMSS Prom Night 2014

Before I begin, I am not asking for sympathy, nor a scolding. The reason I write this is to share what had been going on through my mind ... or, at least, what I am willing to tell.

Three nights ago, the graduating class of 2014 had a night to ourselves of celebrating—the senior prom and after-party (or prom party, if you will). This was a night of joy and spending an awesome and fun time with our friends before the summer holidays really got going. Unfortunately for me, I found no enjoyment from either event, as much as I now truly wish I had.

When I had finally arrived at prom, I was initially surprised to discover how small the building was, despite the outdoor picnic area beside. And not too many had arrived yet, although there had been a few. Despite the slowness of things, one of my friends kicked back and had a good dance around. And watching him, I'm thinking, Well, that is what prom's for [dancing] ... and that if I had felt more confident, I'd have a dance too.

Later on, many were around, and dancing, and having a dang good time. Pretty well the whole time, I'd either stand around, stiff in my spot, looking around, watching those on the dance floor, at the lights (a past-time from the semi-formals), or if I got too bored, I'd have a walk around back and forth. To sooth some of my boredom, I'd explore some of the building, and see what others are doing. At times, friends would approach me, trying to convince the crap out of me to dance with them. Another throwback to semi-formals: I've gotten very used to this. However, at semis, I'd give in at least once, and with that, I'd honestly enjoy myself for doing so. Not even when, about the last time they did it, I was in the middle of a circle-dancing (like circle-beating, but involving dancing as opposed to beating). Now I kind of wish I just went along with it, but my agoraphobic tendency bested me. Another friend who approached me even warned me that if I didn't dance I'd regret it. Darn right you were.

Then at 10:30, the prom was finally over. A part of me relieved, and the rest of me, which has grown since then, regrets never loosing up and having a far better time than I was letting myself have.

Then came the after-party. The reason behind my back-and-forth raging: I had thought, according to the organizer's post in the Facebook group, alcohol wasn't going to be at the party, period, but also my regret from how awful I made the prom for myself—and yes, I did later get it clarified that the alcohol was all third-party, as I had begun to suspect. I really do wish I'd have held back from raging though, after all, I already knew I'd never accept offers of alcohol. Only, I didn't want to be involved in a party that had alcohol ... and let alone, any other drugs. But I would have enjoyed the party more if it weren't for my running mind.

Admittedly, I feel like I have hidden my true emotions before these events, as well as a bit at prom. And my rage at the after-party was a bit of a 'get it out' for me. In my mind, to not hide my emotions might lead to someone's sympathy towards me, or just people worrying about me. Something I don't want to have. While some feelings of mine I feel I can't handle them on my own, there are some that I prefer to keep it to myself and solve it my own way.

This past weekend, and still now I regret the lack of enjoyment I had, and such, of course, was in my fault. I must thank those whom tried to convinced me to dance at the prom, as well as those who wanted to be more social with me, than what I allowed in either case. I hope, in writing this, I do not come off as insane or any crappy like that. I am as you see me, but I have hidden some of what I truly feel for the sake of not being worried about or feeling out of things. I do feel a little troubled in my decision-making, as I either do not wish to make the wrong choice, or make the choice which I fear will make me feel humiliated more.

Thanks to all and anyone who've taken the time to read my blog. It's definitely helped me feel a bit better ... as well as other amusing events this weekend (church, monthly shoot, hanging out at a friend's place, watching TV with my brother and dad) ... as opposed to how gosh-awful I felt the rest of the weekend.

Thanks so much, and I wish all JMSS grads of 2014, as well as others whom have read this,
~ JBJblaze, or as some grads may call me, Bootsie, Mustard Cougar, or NPdubs

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